Log in

No account? Create an account

I need to write this blog entry. First to arrange my feelings, because there are too many in the moment. Second to write them down and keep them as a memory. I guess it has to be online just so that I have the feeling as if I talked to somebody about it.

This day sucks like hell, why? Because I don’t even have the time to grieve about the disbandement. In fact I should be sitting on my table and learn three different subjects. In the afternoon I need to leave for a damn meeting to another city with people I hate to talk with people I hate for fucking three days. So I need to be well and concentrated, because those ppl are backstabbers.

But I am not well. I want to burst out in Tears. I want to scream and destroy things. I want to listen to D’espairsRay music, I want to watch D’espairsRay live DVD’s. And that’s the reason I am writing this. Just for the time I have while writing, so that I can grieve.

The first Song I heard from D’espairsRay was Gothic. I didn’t know them yet. But my best friend at that time, listend to them while I came visiting. She was also the person, wo then burned me a CD of them with 4 songs. System was on it and I immediatly fell in love with them. This all happend in the winter 2003/2004.

D’espairsRay grew steadily in my heart. They overthrew Dir en Grey within half a year and “ranked” first. They cheered me up. Dir en Grey always made me sad and unhappy. If I was hurt (which I was a lot as a teenager) they pulled me in deeper into Despair. D’espairsRay didn’t, they pulled me back, gave me strengh, hope and somehow a reason to live.

And i was just such a stupid fangirl. I spent hours and hours infront of the pc to search for pictures, Interviews and lyrics. And all these times I remember I was laughing. Because these four guys are just such jerks. Even know I laughing. Do you remember the gif where Hizumi and Karyu are lying on the floor, as a circle and they just keep laughing. Damn Jerks, I just need to think about it and I have to laugh. There is NO other band for whom I ever developed such feelings. Espacially becoming an “adult” I never losed this.

And there was something more that made me fall in love with them. They love, respect and cherish their fans. Dir en grey never did that. Dir en grey always trampled over them. Calling us mania, telling us how much we move them, the need of them to interact with us (Even in the beginning before they had ameba and twitter). no difference between fans through a fanclub (unbeautiful was a managment thing, sword records sucked a lot in the beginning) I felt loved, I didn’t feel alone anymore. With other Fans I felt like a big community. I became friends with other manias. Some ppl that are still dear in my life.There was no bitching among the fans. If there was a person in the Internet who sucked, all the manias turned against them, like a really strong wave, flooding together. Even in front of the concert hall, we stayed human. True, there was always an urge to get in the hall, a nervousness that felt strange, but after the admittance it was gone.

I saw them on stage five times. Always after that I felt like I was born again. All the sadness, the despair, the hatred and all the bad things that happened in my life I could leave them in the concert hall.There was a friend with whom I had a pretty big argument. After that i  saw her on the last munich Concert in September after they announced their hiatus. In this moment infront of the stage we forgot all the things that happend in the past and just partyed together, cared for each other so that no one of us would get hurt. And this was just possible because it was our love for D’espairsRay that connected us. I still lost contact with her, but I still hold onto this memory, so if we will meet again, the rage between us for each other will be gone.

There are so many memories, so many miracles that happend… So many things that make me smile or let me wonder about human nature. And yes I am proud to be mania! Because there are reasons.

I love rain because D’espairsRay thaught me how. I have ways to deal with rage, sadness because they thaught me. While I was growing into an adult they stayed with me. Sometimes it felt I was living from single to single, from single to album, from live concert to dvd. Always with a constant feeling of missing them, and waiting made me patient.

As they changed their music style, at first I was angry but then i growed with them unterstanding there is no black or white, but many different shapes. And they stayed the same, they still held onto their style as a band and never were ashamed of their old songs, because the meaning they conveyed with garnet, maverick or born is still the same they conveyed with yozora, abyss and brilliant. I felt like I want to live like that, too. Being proud of your past, fighting against the Unfairness and bitterness in live. Staying thruthful to the people around you.

I am grateful for this and these memories.

The hiatus hurt, because at that time i already guessed that they would disband. And on june 15th they announced it. I was in the Tram listening to Crossed Arrows as I read the news on my smartphone. My heart felt torn, I wasn’t able to breath. I couldn’t even imagine how to go on living. But I had a studentparliament session. So I had to behave. I couldn’t even freak out and cry. I couldn’t spent my time with the mania around the world to mourn and to search consolation from each other. I had to be around ignorant people who can’t understand fandom. Even if I told them that it feels like your boyfriend dumped you, well maybe even worse, they wouldn’t understand. It was a horrible evening.

There were so many people who were sad, but they could wish them luck for the future. I wanted to feel like they did, but i couldn’t. I was angry, and I still am.

It’s unfair! Why this band? Why not any other. Why D’espairsRay? Why Hizumi? They never wanted to break up, they had to.

I still can’t adjust my heart to the disbandment. It got better since last june. And I still want to believe they will come back. But I am not that happy about maifo and angelo. Espcially since I can’t stand Kirito’s and Rickey’s voice. I want them to stand together on stage. Every new single from Angelo hurts, makes me cry and angry. It’s not the music D’espairsRay made and which i loved so much. I don’t like their new music. I can’t say anything about maifo. But I somehow guess it will be the same as with Angelo. (Even if I hope otherwise, and i really do)

D’espairsRay always made me grow, but to accept their disbandment and growing with it… it feels so forced. So the anger stays.

I know they did all they could to console the fans. I know I am just a stupd girl living on the other side of the planet and has nothing to do with their lifes. I know that they need to make a living. I know the three of them who still can want to stand on stage. I know that Hizumis well-being is more important than singing. I know that I should be grateful about the music, the lives they did so far. I know all this. But it sucks so much. It hurts, and it’s not a pain that gets any better over the time.

If they had decided to do solo projects for some time, it wouldn’t be that bad.

If they had disbanded because they wanted to, I still would be angry, but maybe Hizumi could have also returned to stage and the unfairness that makes my heart so upset and angry wouldn’t be that bad.

And sometimes I think that it’s better this way, because there still stays the promise to return and to believe in miracles.

I am ashamed of these feelings to the core of my heart. I want to be a good fan and behave.

These thoughts stayed with me over this whole year. My mind always telling me grow up, accept it, you should wish them happiness. But the only thing that makes it all better is a strong hope an belief, that they would do all possilbe in their might to come back on stage. And I will wait for this day.

16 June 2011 @ 12:40 am
I can't erase... that's why I... floating away...
Just thinking of the scene makes me sick...
eat away... decay... before it's your Falldown...

The incomplete moon and almost-dead sun are quite like a mirage
Shattered reason engulfs you sweetlyembraced by the voices that have fallen into ruin
"do I dream...?" rose up from you to the sky
The loosened fallen ideal and rusted reality
pass each other by with a faded fragrance

Even you were consumed by the lost, grieving darkness
Like the swaying moon by the clouds

It's tears of blood begin to seep... worry... your hurt... many promise broken
It's tears of blood begin to seep... dirty... suffer... before it's your Falldown...

hating... falling... I am withstanding now...

Just thinking of the scene makes me sick... liar... betray... keep from falling...
Just thinking of the scene makes me sick... eat away... decay... before it's your Falldown...

The desire that was coiled around you seems like it will be torn asunder, I can't describe it but by despair...
There surely must be deceptionless thoughts in these hands... if they left me, I cannot search for them...
Even in the encroaching violations, my wishes will not become extinct...
believe me... stay with me... hug Falldown...

I go away from the sun... I'm falling... dirty... worry... How deep I descend?
screaming... be tired... so long... with darkness so long... I lose light...
Current Mood: shockedshocked
Current Music: D'espairsRay - 朧ノ月 | Powered by Last.fm
27 January 2011 @ 02:18 am



Into          thousand          small          sparkeling          splinters of glass
falling like flower petals
gleaming in the cold light
lying bare
a horrorful noise echoes as someone tramples on the fragments
your precious heart
your precious soul
your precious memories

In this one moment         the world stops          and time stands still
you hold your breath         welcoming the outragous hell
as pain, sorrow and grief poison your body
running through your veins, ridiculing your thoughts

"Are you hurt?"
"Are you miserable?"

Your          clear          sad          silent          teardrops
falling like flower petals
gleaming in the moonlight
dissolving into nothingness

Your GODS embrace you gently, thus
KARMA awaits you
Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: -OZ- - 13.Sky high | Powered by Last.fm
21 September 2009 @ 12:35 pm
I want to do an update, too nihahaha

WorkCollapse )

BildungstreikCollapse )

FreshmenCollapse )

Everything elseCollapse )

The album review of -Oz-'s album versus will come soon. Normally I don't write reviews but somehow some things on this album are pissing me off so I have to write them
Current Mood: ditzyditzy
Current Music: -OZ- - Breathe trees | Powered by Last.fm
13 September 2009 @ 05:02 am
you want to hear something funny? One hour ago I lost my job. I got fired.

You want to know why? I went home with a friend of one of my collegues, who visited my workplace yester day as a guest.

That's all.

I really lost my job.
Current Mood: broken
Current Music: Dir en grey - Mushi | Powered by Last.fm
03 August 2009 @ 12:03 am
In everlasting memory


I love you

Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: silence of my room
01 August 2009 @ 01:42 am
hey hey

I don't know if I told you yet, but I love my mobile phone and the opportunity to go online where ever I am. Nihahaha <3

The first day is over and I am nearly falling into my bed. The day started hellish but changed like I wanted it. I got really really drunk (funny thing, I think I got on rei's nerves) but that was the only way to survive entrenchend habits of some people. But after I succeed with alcohol the evening got funnier and funnier. At last we made a party in kitanai's room. It was so funny. I laughed so hard and much. The best thing I got my hair cut. One of kitanai's friends is a hairdresser and she was in a rush yet from cutting other peoples hair so I got my haircut, too. Great thing. 


Wait for new updates tomorrow.

I love you all, and wait for pics
Current Location: ibis hotel
Current Mood: drunkdrunk
Current Music: Disturbed - Down with the sickness
31 July 2009 @ 07:42 am
I weighed myself today and guess what. I am 167m tall and have a weight from

55 kg

I wasn't that thin since I was 15 years old. Sadly it took two despairs ray concerts to get this weight XDDDD

I am sorry, I am just a little bit happy about it so I have to spam you lol
er and always remember in december I weighed 64 kg. I worked on it muhahahha

Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: the silence of my room
25 July 2009 @ 04:21 pm
Das waren die Worte (und noch viel schlimmere) die mir gestern im Kopf rumgespuckt sind als ich ehrenamtlich auf der format c: (der party unserer fachschaft von der FH) Cocktails mixte für wahrscheinlich um die 1200 Leute. Mal abgesehen das ich am Mittwoch den Tag über mit den ganzen Alkohl mit eingekauft habe, genauso wie am Donnerstag und dann am Freitag die ganze Zeit ab 14h mit aufgebaut habe, Tische rumgeschleppt habe, Folien an die Wände klebte und ähnliche spaßige und widerliche Dinge, war die Zeit hinter der Cocktailbar doch wirklich am aller, aller schlimmsten. So nahezu die wirklich erlebte Hölle. Ab 21h bis 02h stand ich da unten mit 4 anderen Leuten und es hat nichts geklappt wie es klappen sollte. Andauernd ging uns was aus, Leute die sich eingetragen hatten für eine Schicht erschienen nicht, etc. ich hab noch nie so viel geschwitzt beim cocktail mixen, bzw. eigentlich hab ich gar nicht mehr gemixt, nur noch versucht zu schütten. Aber die Leute wurden nicht weniger, wenn dann immer immer mehr. Sehr depremierende Sache also. Am Ende der Party (ja es gab wirklich ein Ende, ich hatte es nicht zu hoffen gewagt) war die Bar einfach nur eine einzige versiefte Landschaft, mit Tausenden von leeren Flaschen. Glücklicherweise wurde es dann nach und nach weniger und wir haben es wirklich geschafft, und um 8h morgens lag ich glücklich in meinem Bett

Es war einfach nur furchtbar. Das nächste Mal müssen wir das anders organisieren, weil sonst dreh ich durch.
Und das schlimmste grad ist das ich mir so in den Zeigefinger geschnitten habe, als ich die Limetten zerkleinerte das mir das Tippen echt weh tut.

Heute abend darf ich wieder arbeiten, aber da weiß ich dann wenigstens, das die Bedingungen gut sind und ich Geld dabei verdiene.

Sorry, this entry is in german, I wouldn't have been able to describe the hell in english.

Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: lynch. - EVILLY | Powered by Last.fm
22 July 2009 @ 10:09 pm
ich sollte anfangen meine einträge dann zu verfassen, wenn ich wach bin, so denkt man sonst, ich wäre in der 9. Klasse Realschule und könnte kein englisch.... wirklich depremierend XD
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: the silence of my room