I need to write this blog entry. First to arrange my feelings, because there are too many in the moment. Second to write them down and keep them as a memory. I guess it has to be online just so that I have the feeling as if I talked to somebody about it.
This day sucks like hell, why? Because I don’t even have the time to grieve about the disbandement. In fact I should be sitting on my table and learn three different subjects. In the afternoon I need to leave for a damn meeting to another city with people I hate to talk with people I hate for fucking three days. So I need to be well and concentrated, because those ppl are backstabbers.
But I am not well. I want to burst out in Tears. I want to scream and destroy things. I want to listen to D’espairsRay music, I want to watch D’espairsRay live DVD’s. And that’s the reason I am writing this. Just for the time I have while writing, so that I can grieve.
The first Song I heard from D’espairsRay was Gothic. I didn’t know them yet. But my best friend at that time, listend to them while I came visiting. She was also the person, wo then burned me a CD of them with 4 songs. System was on it and I immediatly fell in love with them. This all happend in the winter 2003/2004.
D’espairsRay grew steadily in my heart. They overthrew Dir en Grey within half a year and “ranked” first. They cheered me up. Dir en Grey always made me sad and unhappy. If I was hurt (which I was a lot as a teenager) they pulled me in deeper into Despair. D’espairsRay didn’t, they pulled me back, gave me strengh, hope and somehow a reason to live.
And i was just such a stupid fangirl. I spent hours and hours infront of the pc to search for pictures, Interviews and lyrics. And all these times I remember I was laughing. Because these four guys are just such jerks. Even know I laughing. Do you remember the gif where Hizumi and Karyu are lying on the floor, as a circle and they just keep laughing. Damn Jerks, I just need to think about it and I have to laugh. There is NO other band for whom I ever developed such feelings. Espacially becoming an “adult” I never losed this.
And there was something more that made me fall in love with them. They love, respect and cherish their fans. Dir en grey never did that. Dir en grey always trampled over them. Calling us mania, telling us how much we move them, the need of them to interact with us (Even in the beginning before they had ameba and twitter). no difference between fans through a fanclub (unbeautiful was a managment thing, sword records sucked a lot in the beginning) I felt loved, I didn’t feel alone anymore. With other Fans I felt like a big community. I became friends with other manias. Some ppl that are still dear in my life.There was no bitching among the fans. If there was a person in the Internet who sucked, all the manias turned against them, like a really strong wave, flooding together. Even in front of the concert hall, we stayed human. True, there was always an urge to get in the hall, a nervousness that felt strange, but after the admittance it was gone.
I saw them on stage five times. Always after that I felt like I was born again. All the sadness, the despair, the hatred and all the bad things that happened in my life I could leave them in the concert hall.There was a friend with whom I had a pretty big argument. After that i saw her on the last munich Concert in September after they announced their hiatus. In this moment infront of the stage we forgot all the things that happend in the past and just partyed together, cared for each other so that no one of us would get hurt. And this was just possible because it was our love for D’espairsRay that connected us. I still lost contact with her, but I still hold onto this memory, so if we will meet again, the rage between us for each other will be gone.
There are so many memories, so many miracles that happend… So many things that make me smile or let me wonder about human nature. And yes I am proud to be mania! Because there are reasons.
I love rain because D’espairsRay thaught me how. I have ways to deal with rage, sadness because they thaught me. While I was growing into an adult they stayed with me. Sometimes it felt I was living from single to single, from single to album, from live concert to dvd. Always with a constant feeling of missing them, and waiting made me patient.
As they changed their music style, at first I was angry but then i growed with them unterstanding there is no black or white, but many different shapes. And they stayed the same, they still held onto their style as a band and never were ashamed of their old songs, because the meaning they conveyed with garnet, maverick or born is still the same they conveyed with yozora, abyss and brilliant. I felt like I want to live like that, too. Being proud of your past, fighting against the Unfairness and bitterness in live. Staying thruthful to the people around you.
I am grateful for this and these memories.
The hiatus hurt, because at that time i already guessed that they would disband. And on june 15th they announced it. I was in the Tram listening to Crossed Arrows as I read the news on my smartphone. My heart felt torn, I wasn’t able to breath. I couldn’t even imagine how to go on living. But I had a studentparliament session. So I had to behave. I couldn’t even freak out and cry. I couldn’t spent my time with the mania around the world to mourn and to search consolation from each other. I had to be around ignorant people who can’t understand fandom. Even if I told them that it feels like your boyfriend dumped you, well maybe even worse, they wouldn’t understand. It was a horrible evening.
There were so many people who were sad, but they could wish them luck for the future. I wanted to feel like they did, but i couldn’t. I was angry, and I still am.
It’s unfair! Why this band? Why not any other. Why D’espairsRay? Why Hizumi? They never wanted to break up, they had to.
I still can’t adjust my heart to the disbandment. It got better since last june. And I still want to believe they will come back. But I am not that happy about maifo and angelo. Espcially since I can’t stand Kirito’s and Rickey’s voice. I want them to stand together on stage. Every new single from Angelo hurts, makes me cry and angry. It’s not the music D’espairsRay made and which i loved so much. I don’t like their new music. I can’t say anything about maifo. But I somehow guess it will be the same as with Angelo. (Even if I hope otherwise, and i really do)
D’espairsRay always made me grow, but to accept their disbandment and growing with it… it feels so forced. So the anger stays.
I know they did all they could to console the fans. I know I am just a stupd girl living on the other side of the planet and has nothing to do with their lifes. I know that they need to make a living. I know the three of them who still can want to stand on stage. I know that Hizumis well-being is more important than singing. I know that I should be grateful about the music, the lives they did so far. I know all this. But it sucks so much. It hurts, and it’s not a pain that gets any better over the time.
If they had decided to do solo projects for some time, it wouldn’t be that bad.
If they had disbanded because they wanted to, I still would be angry, but maybe Hizumi could have also returned to stage and the unfairness that makes my heart so upset and angry wouldn’t be that bad.
And sometimes I think that it’s better this way, because there still stays the promise to return and to believe in miracles.
I am ashamed of these feelings to the core of my heart. I want to be a good fan and behave.
These thoughts stayed with me over this whole year. My mind always telling me grow up, accept it, you should wish them happiness. But the only thing that makes it all better is a strong hope an belief, that they would do all possilbe in their might to come back on stage. And I will wait for this day.